"Eating disorder"

I didn't feel confident or ready to post when my care was discharged.

About 18 months ago, I was struggling with anorexia and was referred to CAMHS Tayside.

Honestly, I’m really grateful that I was seen so quickly. I was listened to and taken seriously, even though I probably didn’t always make it easy for people to help me. At the time, I didn’t really understand how unwell I was, and accepting that I had an eating disorder and actually needed help was really difficult.

Eventually, I had to go into inpatient treatment. When I first went in, I was really difficult. I refused food and feeding, I fought against the treatment I needed, and there were times when nurses had to restrain me so I could be fed. Looking back now, that is quite hard for me to think about. I’m sorry for how difficult and upsetting those situations must have been for the nurses and everyone looking after me.

But I also know now that I was in my early teens, extremely unwell, scared and completely stuck in my eating disorder. I wasn't trying to hurt anyone or make anyone's job harder. I just didn't know how to let go of something that, at the time, felt like it had such a hold over me.

What means so much to me now is that the staff didn't give up on me.

Even when I was refusing treatment and fighting against them, they kept showing up for me. They kept trying. They kept caring. And eventually, slowly, things started to change.

The inpatient unit honestly helped put me on the right path so much. It gave me the time and support I needed to start getting better, even when I didn't really want to. There were obviously really hard days, but looking back, I'm so grateful I had that support when I needed it most.

I'm also really grateful for the school in the hospital. Being able to still have school while I was an inpatient might sound like a small thing, but it wasn't. It gave me something normal in a situation that was anything but normal. It meant I could still learn, see teachers and have something to focus on outside of my eating disorder. I think that helped me more than I realised at the time.

Recovery hasn't been perfect. There have been ups and downs, and I definitely didn't just come out of hospital and suddenly become completely better. But the support I got helped me start moving in the right direction.

Now, about 18 months later, I can look back and see things in a completely different way. At the time, I probably couldn't understand why people were pushing me so hard to eat or why they wouldn't let me give up. Now I understand that they were trying to keep me alive and give me a chance to recover.

I'm genuinely so thankful to everyone who looked after me — especially the nurses and staff who had to deal with me at my worst and still didn't give up on me. I'm sorry for the times I made things difficult, but I'm even more grateful that they understood that underneath all of that was a very unwell teenager who needed help.

CAMHS Tayside wasn't just a service that I went through. The people there became part of my recovery story.

I'm in a much better place now, and I don't think I would be where I am today without the support I received. I'm really thankful that I was listened to, seen quickly, given inpatient care when I needed it, and supported by people who kept believing in my recovery even when I couldn't.

Thank you.