"Thanks to them I have hope"

This will drag on so bear with me.

When I came to prison I was lost, a mess of repressed pain and emotion. I drunk, smoked and sniffed, just to escape the torment of day to day life. I have been betrayed by those I called mates, used by them as a prop to make themselves feel better, had horrific lies told about me to make me vilified and hated on, even after those people admitted they were lies others still held to those lies. I was beaten up nearly every day for 5 years at school, home and outside. Abandoned by both birth dad and mum. I felt worthless, so even though I could fight and beat those who hurt me, two things stopped me. 1st the rage which is there even to this day, I knew if I fought back I wouldn't stop, my ADHD didn't help with this lack of control. 

2nd  what was the point I thought myself as worthless so why even try. So why even try. 

So instead I pushed those close to me away and shut myself down. Covered it all in a haze of drink and drugs, my mind twisting, becoming less me and more dark, the problem is I didn't ask for help, if I had not been scared of the judgement of the few who still cared I probably would not be in this pit serving a life sentence. None of the above is and excuse for my actions, it is there so others reading this who feel the same have a chance to change before it is too late, don't become me.

That being said I came to prison I found Christ and slowly began to change. 

After 3 years I came here still having problems with spice, I failed an MDT I was then recommended to recovery who helped me understand my addictions and how they came to dominate and shape my life and me want to be free of it. I won't lie and say I don't slip occasionally, I am only human, but I recognise that I have a problem and that is half the battle. 

Without recovery I would not have discovered this or come to accept the past and damage they have caused in shaping my life.

Now I want to change, to share, to talk and become a better person, thanks to them I have hope.