"Dealing with deeply distressing experiences by myself"

I was referred to Aspire by another mental health team when I was experiencing psychosis, and ended up feeling so bad I had to stop going to the appointments.

They seemed convinced before even meeting me that I had a personality disorder, despite me never having been diagnosed with one, and in all our meetings I was only asked questions which lined up with the criteria for EUPD. Over and over again, asking if I got angry a lot, about my relationships, if I worried about abandonment, if I was impulsive etc. It was like it was an attempt to trip me up, or catch me out.

Never focused on my symptoms of psychosis, which was the entire reason for my referral, no questions about how I was feeling at the time or exploring anything I was presenting with. It was like they were trying to get me to admit that I had a personality disorder, simply because I had a history of trauma in my notes. This went on for so long, I just stopped attending in the end, I couldn't see any reason to carry on, it wasnt helping me.

When I tried to explain about the things I was frightened of, I was accused of being manipulative, of only sharing my fears as a means of getting into the service. I felt so confused as to why a person who wasn't unwell would want to access a health service they didn't need, what would be the point? What did they think I was looking for? I was so unwell, and really needed significant support at that time, but the service was so awful, I ended up alone, dealing with deeply distressing experiences by myself for months.

I have since experienced a similar period of psychosis and have been refused another referral to them, which ended up with me nearly being sectioned, but to be honest that's preferable to going back into an environment which immediately viewed me with suspicion, contempt, and what seemed like a kind of strange moral outrage that I had dared seek help from them - left feeling that in their view I was clearly manipulative, and was trying to steal care from the people who really deserved it.

I don't know what else to say really. I have done a lot of reading on psychosis, in trying to understand my experiences, and am aware that there is a significant link between trauma and psychosis. Unfortunately, it seems this service has divided psychosis into two groups - the "real" cases of psychosis, where people have no history of trauma, and the quasi, pseudo, pretend psychosis, defined simply by the fact that the person has a trauma history.

This doesn't match up with the understanding of psychosis in the literature, so my thought would be that there needs to be some up to date training, a change in their attitudes, and that they should confront their prejudices on this topic.

I worry about other vulnerable women attending this service, opening themselves up, allowing themselves to be vulnerable, and getting the same awful response.