"Addiction journey and road to recovery"

I picked up my first alcoholic drink when i was 13years old when it was just for fun with friends, wasnt a problem back then as it was just to follow the crowd and to fit in.

When i turned 19 years old i met my childrens dad, drinking became a more regular thing mainly weekends, he introduced me to cocaine and i enjoyed having it back then, i classed it all as a social thing until it became more and more a regular thing, relationship turned toxic. I experienced alot of police calls outs due to domestic violence between each other whilst both were under the influence of alcohol and cocaine, which eventually lead to involvement of social services.

My anxiety and depression came into place when i started to use more and more to void them feelings including the feeling of fear. Using my drug of choice to make me more confident.

I have 3 children in their late teens and they have witnessed alot and been through hell and back around my addiction and behaviours.

The childrens dad and i split up after 11 years of being together, i moved into a property with all 3 children and myself, stayed single for about 3/4years. My addiction calmed down where i was just out drinking and using cocaine at weekends when the children went their dads to stay over at weekends. I worked all week so this was my treat .Always worked since school, including weekends whilst at school. 

I then met and got into another relationship, which was all good at the beginning, children loved him and formed a bond with him apart from my eldest who then eventually left to live with his dad as he didnt like my partner at time time and he wanted me and his dad to get back together and wouldnt accept that I moved on. Eventually got engaged and booked the wedding venue but then covid hit when we went into lockdown the use of cocaine and alcohol hit a high with both me my partner and i using, which led our this relationship to become toxic, arguing all the time taking it all out on the children also. I experienced 2 traumatic miscarriages. social services still involved making regular visits stressing us out too.

There was a incident between my partner and my eldest son which then led to the removal of my children who are in foster care (my daughter now as both sons adults now). I made the decision to end the relationship after 5 years and cancelled the wedding.

My drinking and taking cocaine spiralled out of control so bad, I collapsed having a hypo as im type 1 diabetic and wasnt looking after myself, I decided to then get help, rang the Bac Oconnor. I eventually went into rehab whilst covid, it really tough, graduated but relasped around another toxic relationship i got myself into. I constantly was seeking validation wanting to be loved, when words beautiful were said id fall for these men that just preyed on the vulnerable.

In this relationship it was worse ,i experienced emotional, physical and sexual abuse. I was lucky to go back into rehab and graduated again, relapsed again due to falling for the lies of partner me thinking hes changed and  am cured. Eventually had the confidence to leave this relationship with help from new era police and other professionals.

Every relaspe that happened got worse and worse to the point i wasnt just taking alcohol and cocaine i was experimenting with other drugs such as crack cocaine , amphetamine and nearly tried heroin but didnt. I felt like life was over and there was no way out of it this time round. I reached out to Chase recovery and stars who have been absolutely amazing support, without the help of these i wouldnt be alive now. I did a detox and was really looked after. i am now 9 weeks in recovery and determined to keep fighting this horrible disease. I attend chase recovery, stoke recovery and fellowships NA CA AA.. these are all that keep me well and my other drug of choice was the wrong men! i am single now have been for 5months and its staying that way until im ready, as i need to love myself before going into any relationship!!