"The most mentally draining and disheartening thing of my life"

Complaint/ review of Cherrydown Basildon mental health unit:

If you're hoping for support, respect, or even basic communication, this is unfortunately not the place to find it, in my experience. My experience here has been the most mentally draining and disheartening thing of my life.

Just incredibly deeply disturbing, largely because of the behaviour of one doctor, who I found to be very mentally and emotionally abusive. 

In the ward I had no autonomy, no power, no freedom, & absolutely no voice here. Nothing I said carried any weight, and the doctors seemed to move as a hive mind, constantly reinforcing each other's assumptions while disregarding anything I tried to explain.

One doctor in particular had been consistently combative, argumentative and confrontational. Instead of listening, they fixated on minor details and try to force their own wording into my mouth. For example, I referred to my mum’s husband, and they insisted on pressuring me to use the term stepfather, arguing it's the dictionary definition despite my definitive no to shut down the conversation they continued being smart nit picking all my words .But now I think deeper about it I'm not sure if this is some type of disarming tactic used to make you feel small.

I've found that this doctor has no understanding of boundaries or respect, the technical definition was the least important thing in our conversation. It was irrelevant, uncomfortable, & escalated a conversation that didn't need to become a confrontation on the dynamics of my family, that they felt so entitled to speak on. This specific dr refused to de-escalate. They approached our interactions in a way that feels hostile from the jump like they want conflict rather than being supportive.

In the next meeting the doctor attended, when I expressed why I felt ready to leave and tried to explain my perspective, they became visibly irritated, raised their voice interrupting me, and ultimately told me to get out of their office. They even asked a nurse to escort me out, despite the fact that I was simply explaining my situation. The entire exchange was rude, unprofessional, and extremely distressing. 

The nurses are okay, however a few times I’ve had belittling comments and on one instance I asked a nurse to help me get something from my locker, another nurse stood beside them and the one I approached looked me up and down and said they'll help you, pointing to the other nurse. They both laughed and I did not feel good about myself…to me they  looked disgusted (but I also understand I could creating a narrative). Obviously, no one could feel good when people laugh in your face and you don’t get the joke, so I obviously must be the joke to them

Nothing about this place felt healing or safe. This ward will broke me. It will broke my soul. Depleted my spirit, It will took me into the darkest nights I've ever known in my life. Any strength I have now comes from me alone. Nothing in this ward nurtured it. The loss of autonomy, the constant suppression, the way my voice was dismissed... it changes you. I will definitely need therapy now etc

The deepest pain I felt in this world didn't come from my own mental health on the outside, it came from this ward and how I was treated. The impact is profound, and the pain this place has caused feels as though it will take eternity to heal . I’m simply leaving with more damage than I came in.

What I understand on a baseline is that I was not raped. But I feel a very very real, visceral sense of violation through my whole body. They have made me feel as if my body is not my own. I feel like a tool, like a puppet, like something to be used rather than a person. I feel held down in a way that traps me & takes away my autonomy. It feels as though they take what they want, they get their pleasure or their benefit at my expense, and I’m left with the weight and the aftershock of that. That is what this experience feels like in my body and in my mind.

I never realised what it actually feels like to have no rights. To have no say. To have no voice. And that’s why it feels the way it does. That’s why it feels like I’m being violated on a level so deep that my body can’t separate from assault. It isn’t physical, but the way they stripped me of control and silence me hits the same place inside me. 

What happened:

* ongoing belittling, gaslighting, relentless criticism, shaming, or invalidation that made me doubt my perceptions and worth.

* degradation: public humiliation that destroyed  confidence and identity. No clothes

*Sleeping in cold, no pain medication

The Psychological Impact:

The cumulative effect of these was the erosion of my core identity and spirit. My positive self-perception was replaced with shame, guilt, helplessness, and hopelessness.

Over time, I've internalized these negative messages, believing I deserve the mistreatment.

Long term effects being here:

* Long-term: identity erosion, persistent depression/PTSD, diminished career & relationship trajectories, altered worldviews, docile , complicity always , fear of punishments and abuse.